Back from Chaos

Wow – it’s been a long time since I’ve visited this.  So much has changed since June, so much has improved, so much is a 100 times better than this time last year.  I started this blog on 12/12/07, almost a year ago.  I just re-read through everything, and am amazed at how much I learned in such a short time. 

My husband & I are still separated, and moving the direction of divorce.  I’m mentally ready for that, I think he is as well, it’s just more of a financial delay at this point.  Neither one of us have much extra these days – trying to run a household on a single income isn’t easy.

Our relationship (more like friendship now) is much better now that we aren’t living together.  We talk 3-4 times a week, and the kids spend at least a couple days a week with him.  We’re both still determined to put them first.  The biggest change for me has been I’m no longer emotionally connected to the results and outcomes of his addiction.  His ups and downs are no longer my ups and downs.  His roller coaster emotions are no longer mine as well.  His grand plans to get sober no longer affect me. 

“There’s an easier and cheaper way to work on your sobriety instead of leaving everything and losing your job and apartment to go to another 30 day treatment program to re-learn that you need to go to meetings and work a program.  There’s a meeting for FREE every day of the week, within walking distance of your apartment”

But I don’t engage in that – I don’t say that to him in those words.  I suggest the option of a meeting, and leave it up to him.  If he goes, he goes, if he doesn’t, he doesn’t.   I still care about him.  I still want him to get better.  But it’s not the focus of every moment of every day.

I had a revelation shortly after he moved out in July.  I found myself doing the dishes with the Ipod plugged in, and singing along to songs, dancing through the kitchen.  It struck me that it was the first time I had had music on in the house in years.  I LOVE music, I grew up with music in the house all the time, actually played music in high school.  But music was one of his triggers.  He would listen to music in his art room in the basement until all hours of the morning – usually getting louder as the night went on.  So I stopped listening. 

Now there’s music on just about all the time.  It’s kinda nice!

This summer was much easier than I expected.  Being a single mom is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I was to a large part doing that even before we separated.  It’s easier now only having 2 kids, a dog, and 3 cats to worry about without including a husband as well.  I’ve also noticed that my house looks the same in the morning as when I went to bed.  Now this can be both a good thing and a bad thing.  There are no magic fairies cleaning up my mess – but on a plus side, it is just my mess, not his too.

We still have our issues, and I still get mad occasionally.  Like the time the kids were spending the night at his house, but he didn’t have any food in the house for them.  So I had to bring mac & cheese and cereal over for them to eat.  The next day when I picked the kids up, he asked me to drive him to the gas station so he could buy beer.  Yeah - that was a tough one to hold onto my temper.  It’s a fine line I walk – I need a break every so often from the 24/7 single parenting, but I’ve got to set my boundaries and not be taken advantage of.  It’s a learning process though, and we’re getting there.  I’m not going to get everything right the first time, and will hopefully continue to learn from my mistakes.

Before he moved out, I told him what my criteria would be for us to work things out.  He would have to get sober, and stay sober for at least 6 months (his breaking point the last two times at sobriety was 2 months).  I didn’t make any promises, and told him no promises, because I don’t know how I will feel at 6 months.  I had the suspicion that once I was away from the drama, I would realize that I can’t ever live with it again.  It’s been almost six months since he moved out, and he has 0 days of sobriety.  I asked him what his plans were, because I’m not waiting around forever.  The result of that discussion was I should probably file for divorce.  Not easy to hear, but easier now than it would have been 6 months or a year ago.

So now, I’m starting to look towards the future.  What do I want my life to be like?  What kind of person do I want to be with?  There are a couple of rules I set for myself after the separation.  First, I know that I don’t want to be alone forever – that’s a given.  But, I refuse to jump into some relationship with someone else just because I don’t want to be alone.  I’m finding over the last six months, that I actually like being alone.  I don’t see staying that way long term, but I’m getting to know myself without having someone else in my life right now.  Second, I won’t bring a bunch of different men into my kids life.  One of my very good friends got divorced and she didn’t date anyone until her kids were grown and out of the house.  I don’t know if I could do that, but I do make a promise to myself and my kids, that there won’t be a revolving door at my house. 

I have spent some time this summer reconnecting with old friends (gotta love facebook).  I didn’t realize how much of a hermit I became while married.  I received a friend request from someone I knew in my former life.  Someone I liked a lot, but never really got around to explaining that to him.  I have no idea what will happen, but am kinda looking forward to finding out —- slowly and with great caution.